Bereavement

noun

state of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one [syn: mourning] ¹

I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't hold it back. I didn't even think I was hypnotized, how could I be having these feelings? I was so glad to be back with them, and they didn't want me to leave because I had been gone so long. I had to go though, I volunteered for the job, I was the only one who could do it, and I was sacrificing heaven for it. They were so sad, and I felt the sorrow of being ripped away.

I went in for my regression on Sunday morning. It was a difficult session. We were in a very busy shop, with noises everywhere. I also brought my husband along for the ride. The point in my regression was to find him in a past life. Hilary suggested that maybe if he regressed too, that we could meet on the astral plane and go back together. That isn't quite what happened though.

Neither one of us felt like we were under, but one of us was. Probably both of us were, it's just a matter of understanding what being under feels like. I was trying really hard, probably too hard. I couldn't get through the door at the bottom of the stairs to enter a past life. Once I finally did go back, beyond birth, I found the astral plane. I think I've been there before, but this time was different.

Hilary asked me to go from the plane to a previous life, but once I got there I didn't want to leave. She asked me to choose a life and go into it, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. I told her "no". She wanted to know why. Holding back the tears, I told her, "because they've waited so long for us to be together." She asked again if I was ready to go back to another life and I started to cry. I felt how sad everyone was, they didn't want me to leave. I was losing everyone I loved all at one time.

I woke up.

After a quick break we tried a different induction outside on the sea shore. While I was going under I saw two kids playing on the shore. They were playing around the lava rocks that sprinkled surf, and they were having the time of their life. They were laughing and running. They were best friends, and they were brother and sister. She was about 9 years old, he was about 11. It was also me and my husband, in the year 3013.

Every time I tried to ask him to show me around we'd jump to someplace new. From the beach we were someplace really primitive, and I tried to communicate, but I couldn't. I asked to go someplace else. This time I saw rice paddies and didn't believe it and asked to go somewhere else.

I saw cliffs of black rock with rolling green hills. Thoughts of Ireland came to mind. Then I saw sheep and started to laugh. This was sooo wrong... I was a farmer in Scotland around 1820 and my husband was now my daughter... What was I seeing? Is this just an active imagination? Why would I see this of all things?

What spare time?

It occurred to me that I should mention the various books I've been reading and other sources of inspiration. I have a couple of friends that have more knowledge and experience with this than I do, so I look to them for advice on where to turn, but then I also poke my nose into everything that interests me.

I'm currently reading a book by Maureen Caudill "Suddenly Psychic: A Skeptic's Journey". I had barely started it the other day, not even through the first chapter. But I like the scientific approach, especially in the discussion of brain waves. I remember she had mentioned something about a hemi-sync seminar or something. Turns out that my meditation instructor plays hemi-sync CD's in class. The process uses different frequencies for left and right ears so that your body creates a third, harmonic brain wave, which helps you achieve the meditative state. This is pretty cool, so I ordered a few of them.

Even prior to this I read a few books by Whitley Strieber (of Communion fame) on spirituality (for lack of a better description). These books are not fiction: "The Key" and "The Path". I need to re-read both of these. "The Key" described what I felt to be true, and I had thought on my own. I had never read anything that expressed this opinion about us, and god, and being part of god. It goes in depth about who we are, why we are here and what we need to do. It motivates me to make a change.

"The Path" will take a lot more studying for me to understand, it refers to the Tarot and your life's true path. I think we have a true path, and we need to follow it or we will be out of sync with ourselves and not feel centered. This book describes the path to ascension.

I also just finished a book by John Edward, the famous TV medium, discussing how he does what he does and what happens when he gets the information, even when he isn't "on".

I'm also in the middle of several books, including two Edgar Cayce books... I have several on my shelf just waiting to be read as well.

Retroactive

Tomorrow is regression hypnosis day, for the first time (in this lifetime anyway). I had a consultation today with the hypno-therapist to talk about what I wanted to achieve. Was there a difficult situation in my life that I was trying to overcome, or understand?

Actually, no. I feel pretty good, I'm just really curious. I've got a couple of things I want to investigate. First I want to know about my past lives, any of them... but since I think I knew my husband in a previous life, we are going to try to access that information tomorrow. After that we'll look at my childhood to try to uncover some curiosities.

The hypno-therapist is a referral from Carrie, who has been through it before and she has full confidence and trust in this woman. I had already met her in previous meetings, I just didn't know she was the hypno-therapist, so that also gives me a level of comfort.

We also discussed future life "regressions" - not really regressing if you are going forward. She and I discussed the astral plane and how once you are there, you can access any memory. Wow, won't that be cool if I go there tomorrow. Better go pack my virtual back pack for this trip.

In the zone

Well, well, well... where was my well when I meditated in class? Class was actually my second meditation, the first one was in the mediumship group a couple of weeks ago. In that session we put our troubles into a backpack and dropped them down a well. On that day, I had very few items to put into my backpack... but that wasn't the case when I had class on Wednesday. I was off, I could feel I was off and I didn't think I could get back on center. I needed to kick my backpack down the well.

But, in the class we didn't get our virtual backpack or the well. We dove right in. Another great lesson for me... don't forget your well.

What about the well. I have so much visual detail when I meditate it's hard to believe. It makes the artist in me want to start drawing again. (so much to do, so little time). Carrie described the well as very deep, going straight through the core of the earth and coming out the other side and going straight into the cosmos. What I see is a beautiful black well, with shiny bricks, slick with water, like a high gloss tile. And it reflects a pure white light and the stars beyond. It's curved into the cosmos, so when I look down I see a long tunnel lined with shiny black bricks, reflecting the starlight and beyond. It's really beautiful. I haven't kicked my troubles down the well, but I will someday. I will be bringing the well with me.

I found out that I've already been meditating, I just didn't know it, because I thought you had to chant and sit in lotus etc... you know, typical assumptions. What else I didn't know was that "transcendental meditation" is when you ascend into a white light and have a feeling of elation. Hello, anyone read my previous blog entry? So, I've already had three of these experiences, and I didn't even know it! What concerned me was that they are supposed to be rare and hard to achieve. This really makes me doubt what I experienced, because I was able to reproduce it once with some effort. But maybe that is a good thing.

I'll keep you posted.

Charged up!

I was in that in-between state of awake and asleep and I could tell there was another entity (spirit?) with me. I could feel it and I was frightened. I thought, ok, if you are really here can you give me a sign that you are here, but don't scare me because I'm frightened and I don't want to open my eyes. Then very suddenly, as if in direct response to my request, I felt an electric charge run through my entire body. It felt warm and tingly from my head to my toes. It was a really strong charge that quickly dissipated. And I thought, holey cow! What is going on? I lay in bed with alternating thoughts of "don't open your eyes" and "wow, what do I do next?"

I am so reluctant to put this in my blog, it just makes me sound so completely crazy. But, the point of the blog is try to and be objective and log all the things that are happening. Unfortunately I haven't had the time to log everything, but this event was so bizarre I had to get up and make an entry.

What am I afraid of? I don't know, but I'm frightened. Probably just the unknown.

I have my first class tonight, meditation 101. Some of my friends are going too. Why is it that so many people (at least people I talk to) these days are trying to get in touch with their inner spirit? I would say spirit guides, but, that's really not it. It's more about getting in touch with yourself.

The last mediumship group meeting that I went to, one of the veteran psychics told me that I was moving very fast. Carrie confirmed that she thought it might all be coming at me pretty quickly. I guess? I have no reference point for anything like this. How would I know if I was moving fast, or slow as a snail? It's like someone flipped a switch and suddenly all these weird things that I was used to passing off, suddenly had an explanation.

What kind of things? Just the little day to day things, like erasing an address in my address book of a friend I hadn't talked to in four years, and knew the address was wrong anyway. How many people actually erase (with a pencil eraser) an old address? Don't we usually just cross it out and make a new entry (if you even keep a paper address book). And why even touch the entry at all, it wasn't like I was going to correct it and I didn't need the space. Within 12 hours I had an email from that friend... supposedly "out of the blue". She wrote and said "I'll bet your surprised to hear from me!" I told her, not really... - Those kind of things. Every single day of my life I have one of those kinds of events.

So, back to my electric charge, what was that? It was cool (not physically) and just OMG is that really happening? Did that really just happen in response to my question? Then the, how can I blog this? My husband is going to think I've checked into the funny farm if he reads this... But I have to have the strength to do this. Not a lot, just Medium Strength.

Hello, you are awake, What next?

Straight out of the meditation I saw the table in the middle of the room shaking and I had the feeling that the table just wanted to take-off, as in lift straight up and levitate. It didn't. But, this being my first experience ever with meditation, I really had no idea what to expect. The group I was with was used to "table-tipping". Not me. The problem with this table was that it was round and on three legs and too stable for table tipping in any one direction. An important first lesson for me.

While Carrie was out of the room grabbing the smaller four legged table I started to have the "impression" of wood, water and black chains. Old weathered wood, like that on a ship, and tons and tons of water... I kept thinking inundation, water washing over the wood, like the wood was sinking in and out of the water. I said this out loud to the group, just as Carrie came back with the little table. Another psychic in the room said she also felt it, it was a ship, and then it was more clear to me, yes, that's what it was. But I also felt slavery, bondage, very hard labor, like this person was a slave on a ship. What was I seeing? (The impression was very clear in my mind, this is known as "claircognizance".) We started to ask the spirit questions. Was it recently dead, tip the table once for "yes" and twice for "no". There was no response. Carrie offered to help the two women at the table, who said the table was shaking. She joined them, and I had a feeling that I should be at the table too, and one of the other women said, looking straight at me, "She should be at the table". I had to agree and I joined them.

What do you do at the table? Well, you place your hands lightly on the top and try to encourage the spirit to respond, concentrating on the table, the grain of the table, nothing but the question, the spirit and the table. In the candlelight, in that room, I saw the illusion of the hands on the table being merged with the table, like the fingers were roots planted into the wood. It was a strange, but consistent illusion, and as the table rocked, the hands wove in and out of the wood. Once I arrived at the table I could feel how violently it was shaking, but it still didn't have enough energy to tip. We changed that. We asked if the spirit had been dead 500 years, (one for yes, two for no). The table tipped twice to my right. Just slight lifting the left legs off the floor up/down/up/down.

If I didn't have my hands on the table, I wouldn't believe it, even in the same room, without my hands on that table, I wouldn't believe it. So I don't expect anyone reading this blog to believe me. We started asking more questions and the table tipped in response, we finally had it working. All the while we are doing this my neck/back injury was killing me. I had to assume it was how I was leaned over this little table, until everyone in the region of the table was complaining of back pain. We asked our spirit if he suffered from a back injury. The "yes" was a resounding tipping over of the table into the lap of the person on my right. We thought this spirit was here for the person on my right (Judy) and we asked, but got two quick tips - a "no". Then Carrie asked the spirit to tip the table in the direction of the person it was here for. The table tipped onto the lap of the person on my left (Angela), but we all knew it was for the woman behind her (Bebe). Angela said she felt like the table was being pulled through her. We also determined that this man was of Nordic descent and a laborer on a ship, who died on the ship.

It was an interesting evening, that continued for two hours on that path. My first ever medium-ship group was a huge success.

So, now let me back up a few weeks and explain how I got here. I went to see a psychic friend of mine (Carrie) because she had done a reading for me in mid 2007 that I thought was an unlikely scenario. She suggested a business partner that would be the farthest from my imagination at that time. True it was someone we both knew, but no-way was that ever going to happen. And then in Dec. the impossible became a possibility. I had to go back to find out more. Should I pursue the venture? How did she know this? etc...

Leading up to this visit, from mid November 2007 I started to have visions of myself with a pure white light emanating from the center of me. This vision showed me as a radiant being, so bright that my physical body was completely cast in shadow. When I had this vision of myself I was completely at peace and felt whole. There is no way to describe this except that it felt "true". I had this vision for a few days and then it went away, I assume due the chaos that surrounds the holidays at my home. I wanted it back and sought this feeling. I knew it had to do with me being centered and I knew what I did to evoke it. I had thrown myself, completely and totally, into a project that I knew would bring pure joy to the individual that was going to receive it. This was not something that could be purchased. It was something that had to be arranged, and I was the only one who could do it. This gave me my bliss.

This blog is about my pursuit to reach the person within. The person I know to be psychic/spiritual and the path that will lead me there. I don't know where this journey will take me, but I can tell you in the weeks that I have spent pursuing it, I have had nothing but fun, laughter and adventure. If at the end of this journey that is all I have from the trip, it will be time well spent.